Saturday, 13 March 2010

Yesterday I lost the last $60k in my FTP account. Early afternoon I started multi-tabling Jungleman at 50/100 hold'em. I've beaten him before. With a good run I'd soon have $150k. Then I'd ask him to move up the stakes and I'd have $300k. I'd go through opponents and by nightfall I might have a million again. I've done it so many times before.

I'm sorry if you find my lack of prudent money management somewhat offensive. Perhaps you yourself dream of having a $60k bankroll, a hundred buyin rule, and a steady income. But that is not how I am. I'm not interested in grinding out your bourgeois living.

But soon I was losing and on tilt, and when I asked him to play higher he said no. I often find my opponents try to set the terms of play; it's all part of the game. Although I was losing, he clearly viewed me with caution; as if, as a jungle man, he saw me as a drowsy but dangerous snake which might still bite. So, since he wouldn't give me action, I short-stacked the first player I found at 100/200 and lost the rest.

After that, I had to get out of the house. I put on my heavy black coat and boots and walked straight out of the door. I didn't want to speak to anybody, not even my best friend Henrik. I just wanted time on my own. I caught the bus to Emaus nature reserve on the outskirts of town. It's one of my favourite places. There are beech and hazel trees; oak trees, elm and ash.

As I stomped through the snow, I saw a couple in their late 20s, and their young son of about 5 or 6 running ahead, chasing after their fat little dog. The boy's entire outfit was colour-coordinated the same shade of blue. Just that little detail stuck with me. I imagined his parents together choosing it in the shop. I looked at the man and I thought, this is what it means to be a strong man: to have a wife and a son and a dog. That's true strength. One day I might want it too.

I walked to the top of the reserve where there's a great view over the nearby Gustafsberg reserve and the city fjord. I found a clearing and I just laid down on the snow and felt myself inhale and exhale and looked up at the gray sky. I just wanted to feel something, to be reminded of my mortality, of my place in time and space. It's always like this after I have been gambling; it is like coming up from the depths of the ocean; I must learn to breathe again; to feel the air on my skin.

It was dark by the time I caught the bus back into town. I found myself walking past Harry's Bar just off the main street in Uddevalla. Probably people I knew from high school would be there, with their hair products, house music, and designer labels. I had enough money in my pocket to get in, and briefly thought of it. A dozen shots of tequila suddenly seemed a very attractive proposition. Then I caught my reflection in a doorway, realized my back was still wet from the snow, and I hadn't changed my clothes since Wednesday. I went back to my parents' house.

Once more in my room, I logged on to FTP to check the action. There was a PLO game going; players I knew I could beat, if only I had chips. I felt like an injured footballer bitterly watching the game from the sidelines; but I made notes in my mind from what I saw of their play. Always processing data. I soon logged off, though, feeling the old sickness rising in my stomach. I ripped off my clothes, got into my single bed, and tried to sleep.


  1. is this realy u isildur ur a mad gambler like me

  2. Thats what U deserve! Nothing else!
    I mean winning a million or two is not enough you need more and more and play with all your cash if you need,till you win or lose all.If you dont start another thinking and using Bankroll management you will never become the best even you think you can beat everyone.....and youre so good....and the best already. You are not. The order is this way: Ivey, Dwan, Antonius, Benyamin, Ziigmund ..... than maybe you! I hope you lose all you money and get so broke that you will never make a come back again!

  3. Tilt Tilt Tilt i read this so often in any articles from and about you! Sure you must always go tilt after losing, sure its not possible that the great Isildur1 can lose a session. No one always can win by playing poker. I see you have nit much clue of this game. Im really asking myself:"How can such a clueless person like you get so high in a game he just knows the words like raise, call or fold"! You say the terms of play. LOL Youre overrated and probably a little boy who just should listen to his mother and search a real job. Grats by the fact losing the Bankroll. Have not expect sth. different.

  4. I am trying to think who, on two plus two, actually has such a fine command of the English language. The only person I can really think of is luckyjimm, who also tried to "confirm" this blog as being authentic.

    Nice try, friend.

  5. also, rofl @ insyder thinking this is the real isildur1

  6. So you live in Uddevalla? :) Me too.

  7. Hilarious!! The surstromming for breakfast was a bit OTT though. xx

  8. insyyyder, you suck. I saw one of your instructional videos where you were sucking up to emil patel. You sound gay, and dumb. I know you have dedicated your life to poker but I can't see you doing anything substantial. Get a job, more importantly get a life.
    Are you mad at isildur because he took you for a few hundred k.

  9. i really like reading ur posts, ur very accurate with descriptions, i felt myself being in sweden. im gonna follow this blog, it was nice finding it!

    rgds from barcelona =)