Monday, 19 July 2010

I think I'm afraid of finding her

I've taken to drinking in the evenings to help me forget the empty space in bed besides me. I often wake in the night and grope my way to the bathroom for a piss. And in the hours of fitful sleep that follow I dream I'm playing the perfect poker session, my stack growing ever higher. But today I slept to dreams which woke me almost crying.

Last night I'd called round Henrik's house. He is short and chubby and pale-skinned and takes no care over his appearance. I ask him if he is pursuing a particular woman at the moment. He tells me he falls in love every day as he walks down the street. But, having discovered his hairline is starting to recede, he's decided it would be unreasonable of him to expect to ever be in a relationship. He's resigned to simply being a voyeur; which, in summer in Sweden, does have its short-term rewards.

He's pathetic, but not unhappy, whereas I have the misery of a thwarted romantic. Look at me in the school yearbook and you'll see I'm better looking than many, and no worse than others. I'm tall, slim, and a little muscular and I have good hair and cheekbones.

I was seeing a girl when I was winning last year. She'd sit at my side while I was multi-tabling, until one night she held my hand and wouldn't let go when I was intentionally timing down before a $100k check-raise on the river. I shouted at her, and she stomped off in tears.

When I next saw her we had a few drinks at Harry's Bar, and I tried to explain my fierce pounding need to keep playing. And she said "Please stop, for my sake", and put her her hand on my cheek. And I saw she was afraid.

I told her "No! Please leave me!" She was quiet and shy and essentially decent, if dull, but I said such terrible things to her. All she wanted was to settle down. How could she lack such ambition? Why couldn't she understand what I was trying to achieve? Why should my money matter to her when it doesn't to me?

She said "I have to go" and her hand slipped from mine. Perhaps she'd realized her mother was right all along. A gambler is a worse prospect than a street sweeper. At least the sweeper's income is secure.

I think I want a girl who really wouldn't care if I won or lost. Cocky and confident, she'd just tell me I was an idiot because she was more interesting than any game. And I'd soon believe it.

And when I was playing poker, she'd know when to leave the room, and when to come back. She'd understand I could lose money without losing myself. And when I lost $2 million in a day, she'd just hold me. And when she held me I'd feel... better. I would. I'd feel better.

And when I won, she'd tell me "Let's get away from all this", and she'd suggest places we could go, things we could do which didn't involve settling down, but quite the opposite - which felt like freedom. And for her I'd switch off the computer and never come back.

I think I'm afraid of finding her.


  1. From everything I have read on your blog, You are an addict! You seriously need help. Here you are trying to win at poker thinking it'll bring you happiness, meanwhile happiness is literally passing you by. You are blinded by poker my friend.

  2. Hi Isildur1,

    Having gone through similar ups and downs in life, though not as a poker player, I can relate to your feelings.

    I am much older now and realised a few things. We come to this world on our own and we will leave alone, the only thing this world does is tries to put a bunch of rules on top of us. The image of love in out heads, is the product of advertising, films and books, and its very difficult to find people who fits all of our bill. However, we are constantly urged to find someone or something. Its great to think that we are constantly searching. But we might never find what we are looking for and should all be content with what gives us joy.

    For you its poker. Which is great. You need a plan my friend. If you are good, as I read on the internet you will make money. However, you need to do this like a professional. You need to have a well defined process. Maybe a manager/friend/girl who has the power to drag you away after a major win would be great, so that you don't lose ur winnings. Also, I think who ever this person is needs to be a financial expert so that they can magane your bankroll for you. Get you to play more games/tournaments and help you loose big on cash games.

    I dont know if any of my advice will help. But i wish you the very best.


  3. Uddevalla, då har vi minst två saker gemensamt, läge och intresse.

    Du är inte intresserad av att träffa en som är villig att lära sig allt du har att erbjuda om poker? Detta är en seriös fråga, inget jidder...

    Robin heter jag, och vore fruktansvärt intresserad av att få ta del av ditt stora utbud om Poker.

    Robin tlf. 0704-484172

    PS: Är nog överlägset mest imponerad av dina framgångar och sätt att förändra ett spel som funnits i evigheter. Jag tycker det hade varit väldigt roligt att prata med någon som är överlägset mycket bättre än en själv i poker och alla dess former.

  4. you are the god of poker! women is just rubbish! be the legend isildur1!

  5. Do you guys really think this is the REAL Isildur1 blogging???? OMFG!

  6. I know where she is and her heart breaks for you. She writes songs for you while she waits.

  7. what if you found her, then drove her away?

  8. what if you found her, then drove her away?

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